THE WHITE HOUSE JESTER: Mr. President, thank you for granting this interview. It’s very kind of you, seeing we’re fake news and all…
PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP: But at least you’re fake news that doesn’t pretend to be real news. That puts you ahead of the Clinton News Network.
WHJ: Um…thanks. Well, first of all, congratulations on reading so well from the teleprompter. Some of those words were well above the normal vocabulary level we’re used to hearing from you. Was it difficult?
DJT: No problem. I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things. I went to an Ivy League School. I was top of my class. I know words. I have the best words.
WHJ: And it’s good to see you finally addressing the rise in anti-Semitism and hate crimes since the election. At the same time, the French Holocaust scholar Henry Rousso was detained for hours and threatened with deportation when he landed in Houston to attend a conference. Care to comment on that?
DJT: He was probably going to talk about how the Jews suffered in the Holocaust, when we’ve made our position clear that it wasn’t just them. He was trying to bring fake history into this country.
WHJ: And the same thing happened to Mem Fox from Australia. Why a picture book author? Surely no one thought “Where Is the Green Sheep?” was a threat to national security?
DJT: Why not? Green is the color of Islam, and a sheep blindly follows its leader. The book could have been a recruiting pamphlet for jihadis.
WHJ: Getting back to your speech: Talking about trade and jobs, you mentioned how hard it is for Harley-Davidson to sell motorcycles overseas, but it wasn’t clear how you planned to address that in a way that would increase American jobs.
DJT: Well, for starters, ICE is planning to hire 10,000 new officers, and we were thinking of recruiting Hell’s Angels and commissioning 10,000 brand-new Harleys. But the point is, I am not going to let America be taken advantage of anymore. Take China. They’re always stealing our intellectual property, making cheap knock-offs of American inventions. We’ll treat them just like they’ve treated us. I’m going to make a cheap knock-off of their Great Wall, and see how they like it!
WHJ: About healthcare. In every speech, you talk about what a disaster Obamacare is, but we haven’t yet heard details about a Republican plan to replace it.
DJT: They have a plan to cover everyone, and it won’t cost American taxpayers a dime.
WHJ: That’s wonderful! Can we ask what it is?
DJT: Faith healing.
WHJ: About crime. You talked about creating an office called VOICE, Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement, to report stories of crimes by illegal immigrants. That strikes many people as uncomfortably close to the Nazi practice of reporting crimes by Jews, and we’re wondering why you’re targeting this one group in particular. Surely the victims of anti-immigrant hate crimes, like the three men shot in Kansas City, deserve equal recognition?
DJT: Well, we thought about that, but we couldn’t come up with anywhere near as cool an acronym.
WHJ: Of course, the most emotional moment of your speech was when you honored the widow of Navy SEAL William “Ryan” Owens. But in all fairness, he wasn’t the only one killed in your raid in Yemen. Estimates put the number of civilians killed as high as thirty, including eight women, eight children, and a three-month-old baby. What about their grieving families?
DJT: They would have been welcome to attend if they’d wanted. But then again, they’re Yemeni, so they wouldn’t have been allowed into the country under the travel ban.
WHJ: Toward the end of your speech, you talked about “American footprints on distant worlds”. Were you really talking about interplanetary exploration?
DJT: Absolutely. NASA has already invited me on a manned mission to TRAPPIST-1. I’m leaning towards going, if the spaceship’s galley serves steak well-done with ketchup.
WHJ: And speaking of red stuff, one last question: It seems you’ve said “we all bleed the same blood” in just about every speech you’ve made since Inauguration, and frankly, it’s starting to creep us out a little.
DJT: Actually, Steve Bannon put that in there. I never asked why. You can ask him yourself, but you’ll have to wait until nightfall. Right now, he’s resting in his coffin.