President Trump, apparently having heard that witches worldwide were planning to hex him, has reportedly drafted a new Executive Order that would reinstate the seventeenth-century practice of witch trials.
The Secret Service plans to form a Witchcraft Task Force (WTF), with authority to identify witches and bring them before a special court to be convened in Salem, Massachusetts. It is unclear what kind of evidence will be considered probable cause, but Trump was heard to instruct the task force leader, “If you see a woman with a black cat, grab her and the pussy.”
It is also unclear what laws will form the basis for the court’s decisions. The most recently published legal treatises concerning witchcraft, Heinrich Kramer’s Hammer of Witches (1487) and Increase Mather’s Cases of Conscience Concerning Evil Spirits (1693), are considered slightly out of date.
Those few witches available for comment were dismayed, but not overly worried by this new development. “I always thought this day might come,” said one witch, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But after all, we’ve had over 300 years of practice flying our broomsticks under the radar. If they come for me, I’ll just have to brush up on my confusion and forgetfulness charms.”