Republican lawmakers in the House and Senate have announced a plan to repeal the Affordable Care Act (ACA, aka Obamacare) and replace it with a new system called Prayer and Healing Universal Coverage (PHUC).

“It’s simple,” explained House Speaker Paul Ryan. “You enter your name and health issue into a central database. The information goes out to churches across the country, and they pray for the healing of whatever afflicts you. For a slightly higher premium, you can have a heavy-hitter like Joel Osteen read your name from the pulpit. Think of it! Forty thousand people all praying together to drive the unclean spirit of cancer out of your body!”

“I think the American people will love this plan,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “It covers everybody and won’t cost taxpayers a dime. And it’s scientifically proven to be every bit as effective as going to the doctor. Any research that says otherwise is fake science.”

Asked how the plan would apply to atheists and agnostics, Ryan said, “Unfortunately, PHUC doesn’t cover those with non-existing convictions.”

Asked how it would apply to Jews, Muslims, and other non-Christian religions, McConnell said, “We have a few synagogues already on board. As for Muslims…well, I can’t go into details right now, but let’s just say that if President Trump has his way, we won’t have to worry about them much longer.”