TRUMP: Thank you very much. I just wanted to begin by saying I don’t think there’s ever been a president elected who in this short period of time has done as much as I’ve done. To be honest, I inherited a mess, but this administration is running like a fine-tuned machine, and chaos becomes zero chaos.

I want all environmental situations to be taken care of. I sent my guy Pruitt off to the EPA to make them an offer they can’t refuse. And if they do refuse, I’m sending Gaetz and his guys off to…take care of it.

And with that, let’s take some questions. Unless you don’t have any questions, which is always a possibility. And if I don’t have any answers, which is much, much more than a possibility, then I’ll just throw a bunch of random words at you and my people will think I’m actually saying something. First question.

REPORTER #1: Mr. President, you said you inherited a mess. But the last few years have seen continuous job growth, a two-thirds reduction in the trade deficit, and a stock market higher than ever before. By just about any measure, America is better off now than before Obama. What exactly do you mean, you inherited a mess?

TRUMP: I mean Obama left his bathrobe on the bathroom floor. Everybody thought it was mine. I never watched TV in a bathrobe. I never owned a bathrobe.

REPORTER #2: BBC. Mr. President, I just arrived from London and saw for myself what your travel ban looks like on the ground. I can only ask: what in God’s name kind of ‘fine-tuned machine’ do you call that?

TRUMP: I was thinking of a sausage grinder.

REPORTER #3: Mr. President, regarding the resignation of your national security advisor, can you say definitively that neither he nor anybody on your staff talked to Russia?

TRUMP: Nobody on my staff talked to Russia. If I saw anyone on my staff open up a map and say “Hi, Russia!” I’d have fired them so fast your head would have spun.

REPORTER #3: Why did you keep your Vice-President in the dark for two weeks?

TRUMP: I couldn’t find the light switch.

REPORTER #4: CNN. Mr. President, you called us fake news…

TRUMP: I did once, but then I upgraded you to “very fake news”.

REPORTER #4: To follow up on my colleague’s question about Russia, there was a spy vessel off the coast of the United States…

TRUMP: Ungood.

REPORTER #4: There was a ballistic missile test…

TRUMP: Plusungood.

REPORTER #4: A Russian plane buzzed a U.S. destroyer…

TRUMP: Doubleplusungood.

REPORTER #4: Is Putin testing you?

TRUMP: I think Putin assumes he can’t make a deal with me because politically, it would be bad politics to make a deal with a politician. I can’t believe I’m saying I’m a politician…

REPORTER #4: Believe me, sir, you’re far from the only one.

TRUMP: I didn’t do anything for Russia. Hillary Clinton gave them 20 percent of our uranium. You know what uranium is, right?

REPORTER #4: Yes, sir, I think I do. It’s number 92 on the periodic table, chemical symbol U –

TRUMP: This thing called nuclear weapons like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things. And Hillary Clinton did a reset, with a stupid plastic button that made us all look like a bunch of jerks…

REPORTER #4: Sir, with all due respect, why are you still ranting and raving about Hillary Clinton?

TRUMP: I’m not ranting and raving. I’m having a good time, but tomorrow, they’ll say, “Donald Trump rants and raves at the press.” I AM NOT RANTING AND RAVING! Zero rants! Zero raves! There’s your story. Write that.

REPORTER #4: Sir, the point is, the campaign is over. The election’s over. God help us all, but you’re President now.

TRUMP: That’s right. In the biggest Electoral College win since Ronald Reagan.

REPORTER #4: Well, actually, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama all got more Electoral College votes than you.

TRUMP: Well, I don’t know, I was given that information by someone who was afraid I would chop off their head if they told me any inconvenient facts.

REPORTER #5: When you plan your agenda to fix the inner cities, are you going to include the CBC?

TRUMP: CBC. Another beauty. Just like CNN.

REPORTER #5: It’s not a network, sir. The Congressional Black Caucus.

TRUMP: Can you set up a meeting with them? Are they friends of yours? I’d love to meet with the Black Caucus. Is Frederick Douglas a member? He’s somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.

We have time for one more question. Are you a friendly reporter?

REPORTER #6: Yes, Mr. President, I’m a friendly reporter. I don’t hate you. I don’t bite. Neither I nor anyone in my community has accused you or anyone on your staff of being anti-Semitic (coughs with a sound like “Bannon”), but we would like to hear you address the uptick in anti-Semitism and what you intend to do about it.

TRUMP: Whoa! You said you were going to ask a very straight and simple question…

REPORTER #6: Actually, I didn’t.

TRUMP: …and you lied! You lied about getting up and asking a straight, simple question! The only person in this room who gets to lie is me! Now, to answer your question, I hate the charge. I find it repulsive. I hate even the question because I’m the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever seen in your entire life…

REPORTER #6: Including the Prime Minister of Israel?

TRUMP: Did you hear him yesterday? He said, I’ve known Donald Trump for a long time, and then he said, forget it. So you should take that instead of having to get up and ask a very insulting question like that.

REPORTER #6: Forget what?

TRUMP: I don’t know, I can’t remember. Welcome to the world of the media.

REPORTER #7: Mr. President…

TRUMP: No, not you. I said “welcome to the world of the media.”

REPORTER #8: Mr. President…

TRUMP: Not you either. Somebody’s not paying attention! I said “welcome to the world of the media!” That’s supposed to be someone’s cue to pitch me a softball.

REPORTER #9: Mr. President, can you tell us a little about the First Lady’s plan to reopen the White House visitor’s center?

TRUMP: Now, that’s what I call a nice question. Who are you with? I’m going to start watching them. Yes, Melania is terrific. She’s a great representative for this country. And yes, she’s planning to reopen the White House visitor’s center very soon. This is the people’s house, and we want every single American citizen to feel at home here. So, for a $200,000 initiation fee and $14,000 annual membership fee, guests will have access to the pool, the movie theater, meals in the Executive Residence Dining Room prepared by White House chefs…and for an additional fee, the chance to listen in on top-level diplomatic meetings. For details, just Google “The Northern Mar-a-Lago Club.” Thank you very much.


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