While President Trump was hosting Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe at the Trump-owned Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida, a civilian club member took photos of the two leaders discussing a North Korean missile launch, and posted the pictures on social media.

When informed of this security breach, Trump was reportedly appalled. “What?” he was heard to demand. “We let a paying guest, with no security clearance, photograph such a sensitive meeting – AND DIDN’T CHARGE HIM EXTRA?!”

Determined not to repeat this mistake, Mr. Trump pledged to limit future access to top-level diplomatic meetings only to guests who paid for one of the resort’s newly-offered Classified Dinner Packages. An advertisement, circulated among members of the Mar-a-Lago Club, gave details:

“CONFIDENTIAL” PACKAGE: Maine lobster bisque, pan-seared Chilean sea bass in coconut shellfish broth, and key lime pie, served at a table within earshot of the President and a visiting head of state.

“SECRET” PACKAGE: Oysters on the half shell, chef-carved leg of lamb, minted berries with cucumber sorbet, and the opportunity to listen to a CIA intelligence briefing and summarize it for the President in 140 characters or less.

“TOP SECRET” PACKAGE: Wild mushroom ravioli, sliced tenderloin, and baked Alaska, enjoyed while watching a live feed of a Special Forces raid, streamed directly from the White House Situation Room.

There were also reports of an “Ultimate” package, available only to top-paying members and not advertised to the club’s general membership. Those who purchased this package would be issued tickets redeemable in the event of a nuclear war. They would be flown to Palm Beach on a custom “Doomsday Dreamliner”, with radiation shielding, electronics hardened against electromagnetic pulses, and fully reclining seats with 32” display screens and noise-cancelling headphones. Upon landing, they would be taken to a bunker deep under Mar-a-Lago, where they could watch the annihilation of civilization on a state-of-the-art entertainment system while enjoying a banquet prepared by a Michelin-starred chef.

“Of course, the President devoutly hopes these weapons will never be used,” said a source within the Trump Organization. “But in the event the unthinkable happens, Mr. Trump wants to ensure that his most loyal supporters can witness the end of the world in world-class luxury.”