Following a Presidential directive to “keep people with bad intentions out of the country,” the Department of Homeland Security has proposed hiring psychics to perform readings on all visitors entering the United States.
“When we saw the President’s tweet, we were all scratching our heads about how to check people’s intentions at customs,” said a DHS spokesperson. “We were like, ‘What does he think we are, mind readers?’ And then it came to us.”
Under the planned system, psychics would make predictions about each visitor’s future according to a prescribed scale. Those who received a “clear” reading would be allowed to pass without hindrance, while those whose future was pronounced “cloudy” would be placed on a watch list, and those with a “dark” reading could be held for further investigation. In a test run conducted at New York’s JFK airport, one visitor from the United Kingdom was denied entry on the grounds that “he had the Grim.”
DHS officials are optimistic about the success of the plan. “Until now, when we let immigrants into the country, it was anyone’s guess what they would do a year, five years, ten years down the road,” said a representative. “They might give a huge boost to the American tech sector, like Sergey Brin or Elon Musk. They might win us a Nobel Prize, like…well, just about all our Nobel laureates last year. On the other hand, they might become radical terrorists, or even – God forbid – open a brewery and flood the country with cheap beer.”
“The ban has been a disaster,” the official added, “so it’s time to try something new.” He referred to an Executive Order intended to prevent future terrorist attacks on U.S. soil by refusing entry to visitors from countries whose citizens had never committed a terrorist act on U.S. soil. The original ban affected Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen. Before the ban encountered judicial challenges, the administration had reportedly been planning to expand the list to include Canada, Costa Rica, Denmark, and New Zealand. “We’ve never had any terrorists from any of those countries,” a White House source explained, “and the President wants to keep it that way.”
The plan has faced some criticism, including widespread concerns about whether psychic readings are scientifically reliable. White House spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway, however, expressed President Trump’s confidence in the proposed system and in Madame Obscura, the psychic chosen to oversee it. “He has every faith in her,” Conway said in an interview. “She’s incredible. She accurately predicted the Bowling Green massacre.” When informed that no such event had ever happened, Conway replied, “Isn’t that amazing? She could perceive an alternative reality where it did.”
Other agencies have been watching the experiment closely, with an eye to adapting it for domestic law enforcement if it proves successful. In particular, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has floated the idea of replacing background checks for gun purchases with foreground checks. “You never know when someone is going to do something crazy,” said a senior ATF agent. “I mean, if there’s a way to tell whether someone is going to shoot up a school or a church or a mosque or whatever, wouldn’t you want to know that before you sold him a gun?” But his comment drew immediate fire from the National Rifle Association, who saw it as a threat to their Second Amendment rights to blow one another’s brains out. “If they want to see my future,” said an NRA spokesman, “they’ll have to read my cold, dead palm!”
President Trump expressed enthusiasm for the plan, and confidence that it would help him achieve his stated goal of making the United States a safe space. “This country needs extreme petting – I mean vetting,” he said, “and these mind readers are going to get the job done, bigly.” He added that, in case of a shortage of the tools of the psychic’s trade, he would be willing to supply the deficiency from his own personal collection. “If it’s crystal balls they need,” he said, “I’ve got two of them.”